Tuesday, December 20, 2022
The subtle art of overcounting
Side rant about our actual income
Saturday, December 17, 2022
The ( somewhat counter-intuitive ) double edged sword of Comforting Lies
Every one of us must have been a recipient of a comforting lie at some point in time. A comforting lie, is a lie which is supposed to make the recipient of the lie feel more comfortable than when the truth is made known to them. "Everything will be alright", "You are beautiful", "You are very intelligent", "This article in your blog is very good" are some of these phrases which are usually used as comforting lies. We all know why we lie to comfort our friends.
But as a recipient of a lot of those, I am starting to feel maybe there is another side to this habit. If comforting lies are meant to make the recipient feel good, and if the recipient knows the person saying the lie, doesn't want to hurt them, I am seeing a game theory style problem here. What if the person receiving the lie, finds out that it is a lie ? How does it affect the comfort-level or feelings of the recipient ?
Lets not tell another comforting lie by thinking that comforting lies are selfless and are meant to make someone happier. Comforting lies are almost always selfish. Either it is the selfish need to not face an uncomfortable situation of having a sadder friend, or it is the selfish motive to not get involved in the situation at all. But again.. Selfish isn't wrong always. Our society is built on the assumption that people will try to be selfish. So whats the problem ?
When I realize the true nature of a comforting lie, two things happen. My internal distributions ( probability distributions of my own opinions about myself ) get readjusted drastically to adjust for the reveal. Then guilt kicks in due to the fact that I had put someone in a position, where they had to lie to comfort me. I imagine it is not that different for other people also. I have been rightly caught many a time fishing for complements. I start to wonder if I put someone in that difficult situation so that they had to take the bait, to end the suffering.
In addition to all this, somehow the distributions end up in a worse state, than it would been, if the truth was revealed in the first place. I will one day try to make a proper probabilistic analysis to see if it makes any mathematical sense. But it might be because of the fact that someone had to lie, the mind wonders if the situation is much worse than thought. Resentment usually follows this, and the distributions inside my mind for judging the liar's opinion of something changes to adjust for the lie.
So, it is a loss for both the people involved here. The recipient ends up feeling worse. The liar loses credibility, and also (un)succesfully managed to make the recipient worse than if he had chosen to say the truth, in addition to the fact that any future honest opinions will be most likely be treated as a comforting lie. The next time the same liar tries another comforting lie, it becomes easier to catch and more hurtful. It is one of those counter-intuitive exponentially worsening situations, we as humans, are constantly stumped by.
But what am i peddling here ? Do I really want everyone to be brutally honest, all the time ? Probably not. Do I want people to be better liars ? Maybe. Did I post this because I wanted a somewhat honest review of the articles I post here ? Yes!. I want people to consider the negative impact a comfortable lie can have on the person, if the person realizes it is a lie, and judging by the lies I am constantly fed, often by the same people, most of us don't understand it. If the ultimate aim is to make our friend feel better on average, sometimes the optimal way is to just say the hurtful truth.
Weak notes - II
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