Posts
I am being faced with 2 difficult questions related to my mental well-being, that I should probably answer to myself as soon as possible, but ones which probably far-reaching consequences.
Self-induced delusion or Complete rationality ?
During periods, where nothing seem to be particularly interesting and nothing seems to be going the way, it was expected, a question arises. Should I let my miserable thoughts take over which analyze the situation probabilistically and ruin what seems like months on the stretch, and live a rational life ? or Should I delude myself into thinking that the ideal things I desire might be possible in the future and feel better about it for the time-being, postponing the horrible feelings ?
Evaluating these options have been exhausting.
On one hand, I am faced with the option where I don't have to let alone, the one quality about me, I value the most, while still hoping that somehow I am wrong about how good I am actually at that, and continue living on, trying to make incremental improvements on (seemingly) insurmountable problems. Atleast at the end, there will be that single virtue, I held on to, that will make me proud some day. ( This reminds me of Wonder Woman 1984. Maybe it is not a bad movie afterall ! While in this topic, I keep going back to this trailer of the movie for itself and the comments, which are absolute gems ! )
On the other hand, blocking out all the negative paths of the future, I can atleast be in temporary bliss, ignoring the fact that when the future arrives, deluding myself will be more and more difficult based on my track record, while also depriving myself the time to get in-terms with the way my life will probably go.
The question fundamentally boils down to how good my ability to predict my future is. But ofcourse, Me being myself, I cant rationally decide how good that is. Is there a third option that I am missing ?
Aversion to hard work
Recent circumstances has made me blame most of my problems on my genetic make-up, and my experiences in my formative years. I have realised I have an aversion to hard-work. Initially I comforted myself that, the issue was not an aversion to hard-work, but an aversion to wasting hard work on an uncertain path. But recent developments showed me otherwise.
If my master's education has taught me anything, It is that, Nothing worth obtaining/doing, comes without hard-work, no matter how gifted we think we are. Maybe this is why people say, "Ignorance is bliss" and then go on to say stuff like "Smart work is better than hard work".
That out of the way, I seem to catch myself frequently avoiding things that will put me in uncomfortable situations and might make me do hard work. My life is now cluttered with procrastination and fear, which will keep me from doing whatever I think is worth doing.
I have come to understand that, some of it is an innate quality. Due to this, all the targets I hold in a pedestal may be unreachable from my position, because I cant spend the one thing that it costs. Should I let down my targets and live a less ambitious life ? or constantly torture myself into working hard to acheive something I might not even value when I end up acheiving it ?
